So on Tuesday I decided that I really really wanted to cut my hair, and soon. On Thursday I actually did it, and now I cannot look in a mirror without feeling the need to curl up into a ball and sob.
Right now i’m in this really confused state between feeling crap about how I look and feeling crap about feeling crap about how I look… Let me explain…
I’ve never felt so superficially concerned before… ever, and now that I’ve cut my hair and I have an unwanted bob (yes, I said bloody freaking bob) I just can’t deal. Picture this, you take a girl with really curly hair, you cut her hair really short, and you hope for the best. Everyone knows that when you cut curly hair, the curls bounce and the hair seems shorter than it does when it’s straight. Not only is my hair ridiculously short when it is straight but can you imagine how short it’s going to seem when it’s curly?! I am going to look like Shirley Temple and the thought is driving me insane.
Not only that, but last night I went to my cousin’s 21st birthday party and it started to rain, but that wasn’t a problem, the humidity was. My hair has never reacted to humidity. It has always been just long enough to weigh my hair down and stop it from going curly, but not this time. I went outside and within 10 minutes my hair had begun to curl and frizz out! Tying my hair up wasn’t an option because there isn’t enough hair to tie up and there is actually nothing I could do to fix it.
I think what’s really pissing me off right now is that there were quite a few ‘signs’ that I should have listened to, telling me not to cut my hair. I know, I’ve taken it so seriously that I’m reading ‘signs’ from the universe. Firstly, I wore my hair naturally curly since monday and every day, after every wash, it looked great, something that doesn’t normally happen. Secondly, my dad freaked out when I showed him a picture of how I wanted it cut, and for the first time, I couldn’t convince him to like it. Finally, an appointment that was scheduled before my hairdresser appointment ran really behind, and so I called the hairdresser and was about to cancel when the receptionist said “that’s okay, we can just swap your appointment with a later client”. I really, really should have just cancelled.
It’s not that the hairdresser did a bad job as such… The cut was done well in the sense that everything is straight and I didn’t come home with a rat’s tail, but I just feel like maybe if they… the professional person who works with hair on a daily basis, took into consideration the fact that this outcome was inevitable, I would have been able to avoid this whole situation because they would tell me straight out that there’s a possibility that it would look horrible. I ended up feeling really guilty too because my hairdresser said “I think it really suits you” (they lied, by the way) and I replied “really? you reckon?” in a very unsubtle, unstable, ‘I’m about to cry’ type of tone. I tried to redeem my response by saying “I probably just have to get used to it, I’ve never had my hair this short before… it’s, uhh, exciting…!”
I can’t even explain this hair style to you, and no way in hell am I uploading pictures of it! it literally seems like I got a bowl cut and clipped extensions over the top of it… I don’t know how that makes sense but it was the best way I could describe it to you. So now leaving the house without a full face of makeup isn’t even an option, and neither is my trusty top knot that would get me out of a bad hair day every time.
I actually do not know what to do or how to fix it. It’s extremely demotivating and it has pulled my confidence down a lot. I really don’t like feeling like this because I hate the idea of being self conscious because of something superficial, but I can’t shake it off. I really, truly and completely do not want to start uni so soon because my hair is just not on point. When I went to an enrolment day, I was so excited because my hair looked awesome, I had a really cool, chic but casual outfit on, and my life seemed so picturesque. Now I am absolutely dreading this because I’m going to be “that girl with the short hair with no style.” More than that though, it’s the fact that I had something good and I didn’t realise it until it was gone.
I know, I seem so incredibly shallow, and trust me, out of all people I know that there are worse things in life, but I just wanted to point out how something cosmetic can change your self perception. I always wondered why people would opt for surgery and treatments because they weren’t happy with how they looked, but now I completely understand it. To feel good, sometimes you need to be content with how you look, and I know it sounds ridiculously superficial, but I never thought it was true until now.
Sorry for the rant, but I started writing this at 3:45am because I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about how devastated I am about my haircut. I would actually do anything to go back in time and reverse this. I would even throw it way back to late 2013/early 2014 when I got a front fringe… and I thought that was bad.